Human Library · Reference Guide
The Difference Between Boundaries and Control
A boundary describes what you will do. Control tries to decide what someone else will do.
What it means
A boundary communicates your own limits and the action you will take to care for yourself. Control attempts to direct another person’s choices.
Key ideas
- A boundary is about your own actions: what you will and will not do.
- Control is an attempt to decide another person's choices.
- Clear, specific requests are easier to hear than criticism or demands.
- Boundaries work through consistent, calm follow-through rather than force.
What the research says
- Self-determination theory identifies autonomy as a basic psychological need; relationships that respect each person's choices tend to support well-being (Deci & Ryan, 2000).
- Skills-based approaches teach people to describe a situation, state needs, and make clear requests while keeping respect for themselves and others (Linehan, 2015; Rosenberg, 2015).
- Relationship research associates harsh criticism with conflict escalation, and gentle, specific requests with more constructive conversations (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Try this
- Start small and specific.
- Use “I” language that names your action.
- Follow through gently and consistently.
Reflect
- Where do I want something to change, and what part of it is actually mine to decide?
- How could I phrase this as what I will do, rather than what they must do?
- What would kind, consistent follow-through look like for me?
This guide is educational and is not therapy, diagnosis or medical advice. If feelings or relationships feel unmanageable or unsafe, please reach out to a licensed professional. In a crisis in the U.S., call or text 988.
Sources
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Rev. ed.). Harmony Books.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (3rd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.
Prepared by Renee Escalante, Mind ♥ Body ♥ Soul ♥ Studio.